HeyJosh for Grown-ups

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Teen & Child Discipline

It's no secret--questions of child discipline and teen discipline often send grown-ups for a loop. And everyone and their sister has a different opinion about how to handle issues of discipline, right? It seems whatever your approach, whatever you decide to do, you can find SOMEONE to defend your view.

So, instead of rushing to defend one particular methodology over another, my goal here is to touch on two key principles I think everyone can agree on.

Discipline, whether with children or teens, is basically the process of establishing and enforcing expectations, boundaries, and standards, right? Right. So, your role as an authority figure in teens' lives--whether you're a parent or teacher or counselor or whoever--requires you to do get two things right:

#1 // Communication
In my experience, it seems that a lot of grown-ups are focused big time on the enforcing standards part of discipline, and not focused enough of on the establishing standards part. But here's the catch: you have no right to enforce rules that you haven’t communicated. It's unreasonable, unfair, and you can bet your bottom dollar that teens will rebel.

Growing up, one particular set of foster parents absolutely nailed the communication issue with me. When I moved in, we sat down together and drew up a sort of contract of expectations and agreements. We co-authored these rules together. So it wasn’t like the adult saying, “You gotta do this, you gotta do that.” We clearly communicated our mutual expectations and then signed it.

Here's what makes this so brillaint: when you have skin in the game, you are much more likely to play by the rules. Because I helped set up the rules and signed my name in black and white saying I was cool with them, from that point on, discipline was easy. It wasn't about laying the smack down or keeping me in line so much as just reminding me and holding me to my word. “Hey, remember? We came up with this together. You signed that. You were there when we came up with this.”

Because I knew what was expected and agreed to it--because I'd been treated like a reasonable adult and involved in the process from the get-go, I totally respected those rules. So, personally, I've found that the best way to communicate expectations is in a co-authoring sort of scenario. Either way, communication needs to be the cornerstone of discipline.

#2 // Consistency
If you've read through my 5 Mistakes PDF you've heard me say this before: inconsistency is a surefire way to teach teens not to take you seriously. You've got to be who you say you are and do what you say you will do. This is a crucial principle in general, but particularly when it comes to discipline. If you enforce standards inconsistently and don't follow through or pronounce punishments based more on your emotions than on clearly communicated expectations, you lose teens' respect. The less they respect you, the more they'll ignore what you say, and the more frustrated and irrational you're likely to become in dealing with them, which only makes them respect you less. It's a vicious cycle, but it's easily broken.

Here's the catch: it takes humility. You've got to admit that, somewhere along the line, you've lost their respect...and that that's probably your own fault. Admit that, and apologize for treating them unfairly or irrationally. Go back to principle #1 and communicate. Ask for feedback. Draw up the rules. Agree to them. Then enforce them without partiality. If you're going to bend the rules from time to time, explain why you've chosen to do that. If you don't have a good reason, don't bend the rules. Over time, you'll earn a child or teen's respect.

So, there you have it; above all else, effective child and teen discipline requires communication and consistency. Master these two principles and you'll be known throughout the land as just and benevolent. Godspeed.

// josh

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