The Blog
Teen & Adolescent Anger Management
Confession: I was once a very angry teenager, so I know a thing or two about adolescent anger management and the lack thereof. You see, even though I often played the funny guy, I wasn't any fun to be around most of the time. In fact, when I was around, everyone would get all nervous and tense like a live explosive had just walked into the room. And, really, that's what I was--a touchy temper bomb with a sensitive tripwire.
I'm willing to bet you know teens like this; odds are, they sit in your classroom or call you "Mom". So, this topic of adolescent anger management probably hits home for you.
We all know teenagers who seem angry and frustrated and just mad at the world. And I know how disappointing, frustrating, and exhausting that can be for you as a parent or a teacher or a coach or mentor or a grandparent. But I want to talk about this whole issue of angry teens and anger management for two reasons.
First--and I'm speaking from experience here--there's a really simply principle that explains WHY so many teens have anger management issues. Find something to write with 'cuz you're about to receive A Hey Josh Moment of Knowledge:
What you don't talk out, you act out.
Emotions--like anger--aren't evil; they're good and helpful and important to pay attention to. The problem arises when we don't pay attention to them, when we suppress them and fail to process them openly and just talk about what's bothering us.
Talking about emotions can be especially difficult for teens and adolescents since they're just learning how to process complex emotions and often don't fully understand what they're feeling or why.
It's no secret that the teenage years are jam packed with unique challenges--it's a perfect storm of hormones and developmental changes and social pressures and huge philosophical questions about identity and self-worth and values. And, a lot of times, teens are really confused and hurting. You know what I've found? Hurting people hurt other people.
When I was a teen, I believed I had every right to be angry--being abandoned by your parents as an infant and then getting shuffled around in the foster care system, abused, picked on, laughed at, and labeled as hopeless is as good an excuse as any. I really didn't know how to deal with my emotions, and I didn't feel I had anyone in my life I could trust to talk things out with. So, for me, the way I would often deal with things was by getting angry, and by taking it out on those around me. You’ve seen this happen yourself; it's where terms like "going postal" come from. Remember: what you don't talk out, you act out.
Second, the other reason I want to address the issue of adolescent anger management with you is this: most traditional, mainstream advice for dealing with adolescents and teens with anger issues is really, really bad advice.
Go run a search on Google for adolescent anger management and, aside from this article, what you're most likely to find is a lot of people telling you that, if this teenager in your life is very angry and you can’t seem to get through, that you should ship them off--that you should send them to some sort of boot camp or boarding school or military school or a special home or something.
In 9 out of 10 cases, this is not the way to deal with anger management issues. Sending teens away when they become too much of a problem for you to handle sends a very negative message to the very kids you're trying to help. For me, when I was a teenager dealing with anger issues, any time someone sent me away or turned me over to the "experts" I just saw it as, “Oh, great. This adult’s giving up on me.” And frankly, it would just cause me to get more angry because I felt like, “Yep. That sort of proved my point. They don’t really care about me.” When, honestly, all I needed was someone willing to stick it out and invest time in me and show me how to deal with my emotions. I needed someone who loved me to talk to me.
Yes, dealing with angry teens is hard, but that doesn't give you the right to take the easy way out and wash your hands of what is ultimately your responsibility. Check this out: all that frustration and disappointment and exhaustion you feel trying to deal with this teen in your life--these feelings give you the PERFECT opportunity to show that teen how to process emotions openly and honestly and with maturity.
So, when it comes down to it, how do you help adolescents and teenagers manage their anger? How do you get a teenager to open up to you and talk things out instead of acting out? Here's my advice: show them. Talk about some things that have frustrated you and hurt you; share your mistakes, your weaknesses, your fears, and feelings of inadequacy and explain how you've dealt with them without resorting to angry outbursts. Admit you're not perfect, that you're still working things out, that it's a process. Because I find when you’re vulnerable with a teenager, when you cough up your own problems and show your human side, they, in turn, will feel more comfortable opening up to you. And that's where it all begins.
// josh
Josh Shipp is the host of the TV Show JUMP SHIPP, author of “The Teen’s Guide to World Domination” and was recently named to INC. Magazine’s 30 under 30 list of successful entrepenuers. He has spoken to more than one million people live across the world.
24 Comments
Great advice Josh! I think many times a parent or gaurdian can get to the point where they feel like they are not cut out to handle the anger and outbursts that some teens can dish out. I have doubted my ability as a parent many times, and have thought about sending them “away”. I would never really be able to do it, but I can see why so many people think it’s their only option. If you have any advice on what to do when you have two teens who are constantly at eachothers throat I would love to read it!!
My 18 year old just gets angry when I try to share my own experiences with him. I think he feels that I am patronizing him. He’s a great kid who will talk about lots of other stuff that interests him, which is a positive. I guess he just doesn’t think I have much to offer in the way of wisdom. Like any kid, he doesn’t think I can possibly understand how he feels. He’s a freshman in college now and I will be very interested to see how he relates to us when he comes home for holidays.
My 16 year old daughter only thinks that her friends understand her and no one else. She wont talk to me she says I wouldnt unerstand, She has to be surrounded by her friends. ( Which arent such good friends) they are trouble!!So, therefore she wont stay home at all. She goes out with her friends after school and does not return home until very late at night and the weekends are a full blown “party” She hates school. I have been dealing with her for 2 years like this. I have dealt with this and I said I would never give up on her, but Im at the point where I want to throw in the towel.
Perhaps it’s not what we say as parents, but how we say it. Teens need to know that we aren’t simply dismissing their experience as an annoying phase. Their feelings need to heard and valued. If talking is not working I have found that I need to take a look at whether I am connected to my own feelings or not. Words are something like less than 20% of communicating. Body language, tone of voice….big factors. In my experience that means authenticity (not cool but real) is paramount.
I am new to this site but have received some very positive advice. My daughter is 13, has a father who she loves very much but is a drug addict and not a very big part of her life. On top of this, I have recently found out that she was sexually molested by one her friends step-father. We are now undergoing prosecution. She started getting extremely angry at the beginning of the summer after meeting some kids that moved into the neighborhood and I have stopped her from hanging out with these kids simply because they are a bad influence. Their parents allow the kids to do whatever they want…the attitude of “as long as you do it at home it is okay”. These kids are allowed to smoke, drink, do drugs, and be sexually active with no consequences or direction. I put my daughter into counseling after learning of the abuse and it seems like everything I do or say to her is wrong. She constantly reminds me how much she hates me and has stated that she would rather be in foster care or boot camp than live with me anymore. She completely breaks my heart and I am at the end of my rope on how to get things back on the right track with our relationship. I do give her freedoms but after allowing the freedom she had over the summer and knowing everything that has happened I have now, according to her, taken away her entire life. There are a lot of factors to her behavior but I do not find her behavior lately exceptable even though the things she has been through are very hard fo r her to deal with. Any help I could get would be a blessing. I just want to be able to hug her again and hear her say, “I love you” instead of “I hate you”!
My 17 year old son just moved out to live with his father. it’s not an ideal environment for him. He has always had an anger management problem that even he will admit to but has always refused counseling. The past year or so his outbursts became worse. He would kick his computer, throw things and say extremely disrespectful things and then walk away into his bedroom and slam the door. One time he was upset because I told him that he should take turns sitting in the front seat with his 13 year old step brother and, although he WAS in the front seat, on the way home he started pounding the dashboard and threatened to jump out of the car! He will, often times, remember things in a completely different way then how they really happened or change his words after the fact. I wonder if he does that knowingly or if that is a symptom of something worse…? Usually, what he’s mad about is unrealistic or due to a highly unrealistic expectation. On top of all that, his father as well as his Aunt have been comiserating with him about me and my husband and have, in my opinion, added to his complete disrespect and anger towards us. His father who was nonexistent in his life until the past 5 yrs. or so has told him that he ought to have control of the child support that he JUST started paying! His Aunt and myself do not get along because she is a religious fanatic and her and her husband think me and my husband are heathens because we don’t attend church! I tried to be civil with both parties for my son’s sake but now feel that their influence (i.e. personal negative feelings) have aided in our son’s impulsive decision to move out.
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