The Blog
Problem Teenagers Aren’t the Problem
There is no such thing as a problem teenager. This is mind-bending for a lot of grown-ups. I hear a lot of adults--parents, teachers, coaches, counselors, grandparents, you name 'em--talking about how this or that teen in their life is a problem or driving them crazy or whatever. But here's the thing:
People aren't problems. People are people.
Granted, some people--and this includes teens--can be particularly difficult to deal with. I know how an angry, defiant, disrespectful, or rebellious teen can wreak havoc on a family, disrupt a classroom, and destroy peace of mind. Been there, done that. And it's easy to see troublesome young people as a problem. But in those moments, we're not seeing clearly. Problems are something people HAVE, and something people CAUSE, not something people ARE.
The real problem often lies in our ATTITUDE towards people we find difficult. Sometimes, we're really the ones with problems--patience problems and self-control problems and love deficiencies.
Growing up as a foster kid, I had the unique experience of having close to a dozen different parents raise me. And I'll tell you, a lot of them saw me as a problem and treated me accordingly--trying to fix me or neutralize me or avoid me or whatever. I can't say that any of them really made a lasting difference in my life.
Don't get me wrong, seeing me as a problem did make a difference...it just wasn't a positive difference. It made me feel like a worthless screw-up and a pain to be around and probably played a role in me dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Not exactly the kind of mark you want to leave on a kid, right?
Here's the flip side:
Some adults saw me not as a problem, but as an opportunity. They didn’t see my past; they saw my potential. They didn't see me for who I was; they saw me for who I could be.
This made a huge difference in my life--turned my life around 100 percent. Half of foster kids end up either dead, in jail, or homeless. It would've been super easy and--the way a lot of people see it--completely justified after what I'd put them through for the adults in my life to have just thrown in the towel and said "You know, that's it. I've had it. I can't deal with this kid."
But if they had done that, if they'd just walked out on me, I'm not even sure I'd be alive right now.
I know, that sounds really tacky and melodramatic, but I'm dead serious. Never underestimate the positive influence you can have on a kid's life if you see them for who they are, believe in who they could be, and inspire them. Not to brag, 'cause it's certainly nothing I did, but I'm living proof that good can come out of even the worst situations.
So, I want to challenge you to see teens as opportunities, no matter how much grief they're causing you. Sometimes, dealing with problematic teens is going to require you to be a better person than you ever thought you could be. If it helps, I think you can do it.
Go get 'em.
// josh
Josh Shipp is the host of the TV Show JUMP SHIPP, author of “The Teen’s Guide to World Domination” and was recently named to INC. Magazine’s 30 under 30 list of successful entrepenuers. He has spoken to more than one million people live across the world.
5 Comments
Josh - GREAT article! There’s an expression in Recovery that says “Whenever you’re pointing a finger at anyone, there are always three more pointing right back at YOU!”
However, there is a point you make in your article that I want to challenge. You said that the people who viewed you as a problem didn’t make a lasting difference in your life. I believe they are the very reason that you are doing the work that you’re doing. They showed up in your life and offered you enough pain/contrast that created a desire in you so strong that eventually (maybe not at first) catapulted you into a new realm of possibilities.
At least this has become the understanding of my own life. My dad died when I was 10 and my mother died when I was 16. Those six years in between were hell - my mother spiraled into a deep depression. When she died, I went off the deep end - alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, abortion and was even raped.
However, all of that served as the launching pad for my work with teen girls as I began a quest to find my authentic power and find out if there was more to life than pain.
I applaud you and your youth ministry and outreach.
Kathleen Hassan
http://kathleenhassan.com
Thanks Josh, I needed that reminder today. I have two teens at home and we are struggling. They are great kids, I don’t know whether to just let them skate along or to step in and help. A big part of me will not let them fail, but it has to be within them too.
“the blessings of a skinned knee”
Im kinda havin a problem with my parents. They seem to not understand what im going throught at school. I admit i do have a little bit of an anger problem. Every time that i get in trouble that gets me even more angry because i feel like im digging myself into a hole that i cant get out of. And at school i get picked on becvause of some of the things that i do or things that i like that other people dont like. Sometimes i just feel like blowing up because when i get in trouble those people that caused the problem in the first place dont get in trouble. I just hate it when my mom says that shes going to send me to north carolina because it feels like shes giving up on me and that she wants nothing to do with me. I think that my mom should learn how to be more calm when she diciplines me and talk more softly and not yelling or talking hard. Sometimes i just feel that there is something wrong with me because it always seems like i get picked on or get in trouble at school. For instance i just got in trouble today on the bus (i never get in trouble in school pretty much only on the bus) because this little girl thought it would be funny to call be gay.by the way im in the 8th grade. Anyway i asked her what she said and she repeated herself and her big sister( which is in the 2nd grade thought it would be funny to tell me to shutup and she called me a fool. I got a little upset but i told myself that im not going to get in trouble over any little kids and i told her to stay in her seat and leave me alone. This other girl came in and said dont talk to them little kids like that and she got all up in my face. I told her that those little kids shouldnt be talking to me like that ( isaid it in a calm way). long story short the bus driver went off of the lie that the little girl gave her and i got written up. I was kin of mad at that because the little girl got away and i got written up. please just write back because i really need your help!!!!!!!!
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