HeyJosh for Grown-ups

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder

I want to spend just a few moments and talk to you about this idea of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). I think, number one, I’m qualified to talk about it because a lot of my former foster parents would tell you that I probably had a bit of ODD myself. I was never diagnosed or anything, but the diagnosis didn't even exist back then, so...make of that what you will.

Now, whether you think that ODD should or shouldn't be a "real" diagnosis, I think you have to accept that it’s something that kids actually have. And by that I mean it's hard to deny that a lot of children and teens--it's something like 1 in 10--exhibit seriously defiant behavior, and it's a real problem for parents, teachers, counselors, coaches, etc. to deal with that.

The good news? There's hope.

First, let's remove the stigma. Everyone is oppositional and defiant from time to time. I mean, let’s be honest, right? We all have this tendency to rebel against the rules. Defiance is a natural (if negative) human response to imposed restrictions, especially if they're imposed unfairly or by an authority we don't respect. It's just one of the ways we assert ourselves and try to make a grab for control over our own lives. Turns out there are two stages in life when people are most likely to be oppositional and defiant: the toddler years and adolescence--and you can bet that a lot of that has to do with all the crazy psychological developments going on during those ages. It's normal to exhibit oppositional behaviors at certain stages of a child's development, so don't freak out.

Now, certainly there's a range between normal independence- and attention-seeking behavior and what the pros call oppositional defiant disorder, but any honest professional will acknowledge that ODD is tough to diagnose with any kind of certainty.

My honest advice is this: ignore the diagnosis and stop worrying about the symptoms. In the end, labeling your kid as ODD isn't really all that helpful; in fact, it could jolly well damage the way you think about him or her and negatively affect the way they see themselves. Instead, pay attention to the PERSON and look BENEATH the symptoms to their probable cause.

Don't automatically assume that this adolescent or teen has some kind of mental illness. Maybe he’s seeking attention and affirmation. Maybe she's testing boundaries, or reacting against what she sees as hypocritical or unfair treatment. Maybe he's been bottling up his emotions because he doesn't know how else to deal with them and is just acting out as a result. This happens all the time.

I hate to say this, but I think I need to: a lot of the "risk factors" associated with ODD--the things people think might cause kids and teens to be oppositional and defiant--are all problems with the family, often with the parents. Things like bad relationships, being abused or neglected, harsh or inconsistent discipline, family instability brought on by marital conflict and financial strain and stuff like that.

Listen carefully here, 'cause I'm not saying this to blame you. It's not "all your fault" or anything; you're not a failure and I don't want you beating yourself up with guilt. You're reading this right now because you obviously care about your teen and you want to make things better. You are a good person and you CAN make a difference. I'm saying this because I think the danger is sometimes that we blame the kid instead of being the grown-up and taking responsibility for making a positive difference in their lives.

'Cause here's where it gets good: many children with ODD respond to positive parenting techniques. I don't know the exact stats on this, but I can tell you from observation and experience that pretty much everyone diagnosed with ODD eventually stops showing symptoms. I don't know if they "grow out of it" or what, but studies have shown that when those young people with ODD have a positive adult influence in their life, they are much more likely to go in the right direction and more likely to succeed.

So, the ball's in your court! What are you doing to be the positive adult influence these young people need? If you don't know where to start, look at it this way: pretty much anything and everything I share with you on this site is going to apply to your situation. Improving the relationships between grown-ups and young humans and helping you guys communicate better is what this is all about. But there are a few things you should be doing right now, like:

    •    providing them with a safe, stable, loving environment with clearly communicated limits and expectations
    •    spending quality time together without any strings attached
    •    recognizing and praising positive behaviors instead of always laying the smack down when they act up
    •    leading by example and modeling positive behaviors
    •    giving them responsibilities and increasing their privileges as they prove themselves capable
    •    picking your battles carefully--focusing on the spirit of the law, not the little grievances
    •    forgiving them quickly and openly

A lot of this is kind of common sense, right? But something else to consider is that, a lot of times, getting through to teens who have ODD or are really defiant...it's not about what you say to them, it's about HOW you say it. For me, as a young person who grew up very, very rebellious, it was those adults in my life that understood the secrets, the techniques to communicating with me effectively, that could get me to listen and actually want to obey them. Seriously. Because again, it’s often not what you say, but how you say it.

Ultimately, when dealing with ODD or oppositional behaviors--there isn't an easy out. There aren't any magic words or special tricks that instantly "fix" defiant behaviors, and medication is often a cop-out. Success requires perseverance, hard work, and a massive amount of patience and love--I'm afraid there's no way around that. But if you're willing to invest the time (and I think you are), then there's ALWAYS hope.

Speaking as a kid once labeled as a lost cause, I beg you--don't give up.

// josh

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