HeyJosh for Grown-ups

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Helping Troubled Teens

If you're reading this, odds are, there's a troubled teen in your life that you desperately want to help. But first I want to spend just a moment and talk to you about this whole idea of troubled teenagers

You see, I grew up in the foster care system and, let me tell you, I was a VERY rebellious kid. I constantly acted out in all kinds of ways--towards my parents, teachers, mentors, coaches--and all the time I was labeled and looked at as a "troubled teenager". Was I "troubled"? Sure. I had major abandonment issues and trust issues and ADD to boot. But I was also just a normal teen trying to figure out who I was and find my place in the world like everyone else, hoping for someone to take genuine interest in me and lend me a hand. But most grown-ups just slapped me with labels like "troubled" and "at risk" and sort of threw up their hands and turned me over to the professionals. “Oh, you know Josh, he’s at risk.” Excuse me, but to me, if you’re alive, you’re at risk, right?

You know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you've seen this happen to a teenager in your life. You always hear people say this--they said it about me all the time--"Oh, he just has such great potential, but I can't seem to get through to him. It's exhausting. It's frustrating at times." So, how DO you go about helping troubled teens?

#1 // You have to view this young person in your life--whether you’re a parent, a teacher, a coach, whatever--you have to view this young person in your life not as a problem, but as an opportunity. This is so important. It’s such a little thing, but it makes a HUGE difference. My foster parents that got through to me, my therapists that got through to me, they got through to me because they did that. They literally turned my life around and changed my perspective about myself.

I understand that the young person in your life is going through things and, yes, their moods and actions and everything may drive you crazy and worry you sick. But dealing with them as a probem--as just another "troubled teenager"--you'll only perpetuate the problem and reaffirm their belief that they're hopeless and exasperating. At the very least, helping troubled teens is an opportunity for YOU--an opportunity to learn the true meaning of patience and unconditional love. So, number one, you have to stop viewing them as a problem and see them as an opportunity.

#2 // You have to focus on teens' potential, not their past. This is key. The grown-ups who helped me the most, they didn't see me for who I was--just a messed up kid--but for who I could be. They didn’t see the mistakes. They didn’t see the past. They didn’t see the regret, the screw-ups, the mistakes. They saw my potential. In high school, some teachers got to thinking “Oh, man, he really likes to talk in class and be disruptive. He sure knows how to get people's attention. If we could tweak that--if we could mess with that just a little bit--he would be an amazing leader. He could be an amazing communicator.” And because of adults like that in my life, I realized the things about me that drove so many people crazy and got me labeled as "troubled" were actually gifts. I just needed creative, imaginative, and determined adult in my life to help mentor me and shape those things in my life.

Now a lot of solutions for helping troubled teens out there will say to you that if you have a troubled teen in your life,  you should send them away to some sort of boot camp, like an obedience school for dogs, to turn ‘em around or something. In most cases, however, I honestly believe that's bad advice. Personally, from experience, getting shipped out or sent off is gonna be viewed by that teenager as being abandoned; it sends them the message that you're giving up on them, when, honestly, what that teenager needs more than anything to turn their life around is your unconditional support, love, and encouragement.

Honestly, as a former troubled teen, I just want to help you by passing on the things that I've learned. By helping you reach that “troubled teen” in your life--well, just think of it as a sort of "thank you". Because people like you chose to see me as an opportunity instead of a problem, and helped me develop my potential, I'm who I am today. These two basic principles made all the difference for me; if they make all the difference for you and the teen you're trying to help, do me a favor--just pass it on.

// josh

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