HeyJosh for Grown-ups

The Blog

Empowering Positive Teen / Adult Relationships

I'm a huge believer in the power of a positive approach to reaching and relating to teens. Positive parenting techniques work--and you don't even have to be a parent to use them. You could be a teacher or coach or guidance counselor or an uncle or whatever. 9 times out of 10, a teen will respond positively to positive behavior.

Trust me when I say, "I know."

Here's the thing: I shouldn't be here. Statistically, my life should have ended in an ugly, aimless mess of addictions, violent crime, and a cozy little cell in the Big House. Or worse. Fact is, people like me--people with by background, my experiences, who've been through what I've been through--sadly don't often turn out so well. Ask any social worker in the country. 

My story? I was left at the hospital when I was born and have never met my parents or anyone related to me. Ever. I grew up in foster care in a bunch of different foster homes. I was abused. I was suicidal. I was bullied, I was kicked out, I was forgotten about, and was written off as a lost cause.

But check this out: I've proven all the statistics wrong. 

Not because I’m a superhuman, and not because someone sent me to boarding school or military boot camp. But because, when I was a teen, a caring adult took interest in me and--more importantly--took positive action. 

They loved me enough to see past the odds, see through my statistically hopeless situation, and inspire me to take my problems, take my challenges, and see everything I'd been through and everything I was as an opportunity. I'm here today because a grown-up in my life actually cared enough to be patient with me. 

Because of that, today I travel the country speaking to teens. I run an advice website called Hey Josh. I write books to help teens get through their own challenges. I run marathons. I play guitar hero. I do a whole bunch of fun stuff. And I get up every morning thrilled by the thought that I get to make a difference in the lives of others.

Now, turning me around--taking the mess of kid I was and guiding me toward hope and purpose in life--wasn't an easy task for those who took the time to invest in me. 

"Positive parenting" is not an easy out or quick fix.

But it works where all else fails. Love wins. I've been raised by both good and bad parents. I've seen--I've experienced--firsthand how parents can intentionally and unintentionally crush a kid's spirit...and what can happen when they use their words to breathe hope into a broken life. I can sniff out rotten advice a thousand miles away. I've seen, and heard, and dealt with all the problems in the book. Trust me when I say I know what works, and I know what doesn't.

Let me be very blunt: if you're not someone who cares about teens, I can't help you. If you're not interested in taking an active role in making a positive difference in teens' lives--in being the best parent, teacher, mentor, or whatever that you can be--then you and I aren't a good match. 

However if that is you...if you are one of those people interested in helping teens, I'll let you in on a little secret: if you want a meaningful relationship with teens and the power to influence them...you have to care. Not only care, but care enough to invest time, effort and take action. Period. It’s that simple. 

You want teens to listen? You must EARN the right to be heard by listening, engaging and being an example worth following. You can't just watch a special or two on PBS or buy some guy's foolproof guide to whipping your rebellious teenager into shape and expect everything to be dandy. It takes a commitment to understand and nurture teens. It takes hard work. 

But here's the thing: understanding, nurturing, training, and loving teens--that's your job. Parenting (or teaching, mentoring, whatever) is your responsibility--no one else's. If you don't do it, who will? 

Look, I know you don't need me to tell you what a huge responsibility it is to figure out what makes teens tick, why they do what they do, what they need to become happy, healthy people that are up to the challenges they'll face as they grow into adulthood. You know it's a huge responsibility. Heck, if you're like most people you're probably feeling a wee bit intimidated about the whole thing. That's OK. You're not the only one. 

But just because your job can be overwhelming at times doesn't give you the right to bail out and hope someone else steps in. Let me put this another way: I can't do your job for you. But I can help you do your job more effectively. 

So here's my question for you: If you're struggling in your relationship with a teen, what can you do, today, right now, to demonstrate patience and love instead of exasperation and anger? If you're not "struggling" at all, what can you do to make things even better?

//  josh

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